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Mocking Mike Tomlin’s Next Press Conference


By Michael K Reynolds

It’s no secret one of Coach Mike Tomlin’s least favorite aspects of his job is conducting press conferences. Following the loss against the Oakland Raiders, who knows if he’ll even show up for his next presser?  Fortunately, with a need for some comic relief this season, we’ve gone ahead and speculated on exactly what might be said.

Mike Tomlin: I will begin by endeavoring to apologize for my performance in all three phases of last week’s press conference. As a coach of a team with only two wins it was well below the line for me to be so…well, snarky. Just because I think of all of you reporters as a bunch of lie-on-the-couch, potato-chip-eating, know-nothing wannabes, this is not sufficient in and of itself for me to disrespect you. I’ll take your questions now. Oh. Can someone help me keep track of time?

Coach. Now, a couple days removed, what are your thoughts about your team’s overall performance against the Raiders?

Tomlin: We don’t dwell in the past. We don’t have the luxury to live there like you people. Our cards are already fully dealt and we’re all in for next Sunday’s gladiator match. This is the business we’re in. Our reality. My coaches, the players, and even the ball boys, have been putting the entirety of our focus on what’s on the horizon, burying ourselves in reels of tape and chalking up our hands with game plans. All of this in total preparation for the confrontation which lies ahead. That is, against the New York Football Giants.

Uh…coach, you don’t play the Giants next Sunday. You play the New England Patriots.

Tomlin: (Long pause). Of course that’s the case. For competitive reasons we do not wish to show all of cards. Are you sure? We have to play Tom Brady? And Wes Welker?

The Steelers have not been able to get off to a good start at any of the games this season. Are there some adjustments that need to be made in terms of preparation?

Tomlin: Our evaluation process each and every week is deep and all encompassing. We consider the first quarter, and even the first half of the game to be part of that evaluation process. So while our opponents are burdened by being focused on the first play of the game, we consider it an edge that our evaluation is still in full swing.  You, as a mere reporter, or fan for that matter, might see it as Terrelle Pryor gashing us for 93 yards. However; we see this as invaluable, verifiable, live scouting information. In this particular case we were able to conclude, “Wow, that young man is fast.” This is precisely why we always defer when winning the coin toss. Hey. Is somebody watching the clock for me?

Coach, it appears that this team struggles with games in faraway time zones. We’ve lost eight of these types of games in a row and it has been written in several newspapers that perhaps something needs to be changed in how these games are approached. What do you say?

Tomlin: You all know I don’t take notice of what you say. I don’t care about what you write. But I am afraid that my players do. I would appreciate if you would stop messing with their heads with your uninformed nonsense. For that matter. Who wrote about Shaun Suisham last week?

On special teams, why is Felix Jones still returning kicks and Zoltan still punting?

Tomlin: Felix has the pedigree. Zoltan is left footed. You people have too much time on your hands.

Why not have Emmanuel Sanders handle kickoff returns?

Tomlin: Everybody knows the Patriots will be making a play for Sanders during upcoming free agency. I think I owe it to Coach Belichick to make sure the player is whole.

Speaking of Jones. How is it that he is still ahead of Jonathan Dwyer on the running back depth chart?

Tomlin: You don’t understand my doghouse. It’s like the roach motel. Once you check in you can’t check out. That goes for all of you as well. In fact, I am through with this discussion. Except if you have any questions about Le’Veon Bell. That is, unless we’re out of time. Has anyone seen my watch?

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About Michael K. Reynolds

Longtime Pittsburgh Steelers fanatic and author of the acclaimed Heirs of Ireland series. MichaelKReynolds.com
  • Jim McCarley

    The astute framework of the hyperbole counter reacts with the taming of the shrew, if you will. My goal, as a coach, is always the same. Each week I begin by continuing to repeat myself along the lines of repetiveness until the images in my cranial cavity coexist with the blind melon jello that is the constitutional makeup of the thought process. Next question.

  • steeltown

    Well done

  • RW

    Meh. Kind of mean here, no? Don’t know that Tomlin is doing the best coaching job but he doesn’t need to be an open book. At least he’s not Bellicheck in these postgame press conferences.

  • Luke Shabro

    The use of precisely and all encompassing was beyond accurate. Too awesome. I needed a laugh after the $#*Tshow on Sunday

  • T R

    Obviously if you didnt use Obviously in this press conference then Obviously you didnt get it right.. We need consistency and everyone will be evaluated on that. Obviously we played below the line and Obvouisly we will evaulate the tape and set out to game plan for the next game. Obvoisly they will probably do the same thing next week but we will evaluate that tape too.
    Good Grief can we evaluate a training staff and make them do suicides all day on tuesday and wednesday and get they asses in shape so they can finish a full game.. we can actually manage the clock and our drives right so we can actually play a full game.

  • Virdin Barzey

    Meh…Not funny to me, especially with the kind of season we are having. If Tomlin was the main issue maybe but like everything else on this team, there is no consistency. One week its the defense letting us down, next is the offense, next is the special team, next its the coaches. Add to that injuries and not so good drafting by Colbert and its been down right awful.

    We are about to play the Patsies. A team in transition just like us but not like us. They have lost players, had major injuries and a number of draft pics that have not worked out. Unlike us, they find a way to win…we find a way to lose. Wanna guess how this game is going to end?

  • Andretti

    Obviously, you’ve never seen a Tomlin press conference. Obviously.

  • dgh57

    You asked so you will receive:

    Unfortunately, my guess on how the Patriots game will end is another Jr. Varsity punt by Mesko giving them a short field late in the game and with the game on the line!

  • GunsDontKillWoodleyKills

    Obviously

  • Chad H

    That’s funny, now can we start gutting the coaching staff?
    Start with HC, OL, OC, RB, WR, DL and strength and conditioning coaches.

  • JAMESH

    That will be my new term for watching a Steelers game. Thanks.

  • Shannon Stephenson

    The standard is the standard has been below the line obviously and we wont know that till the time is right, now its time for the tire to hit the pavement.

  • cencalsteeler

    Speaking of pressers. I watched interviews from the players after the Raiders game. You can tell AB was upset with the loss with the tone in his voice. The next guy I watched was Ryan Clark in his bow tie suit. He interviewed like, well, he was being interviewed! He pulled out his Tomlin card and was patting the back of Pryor on how fast he was. Really? His play and demeanor after games reminds me of a certain receiver who was on our team last year. I’m starting to guess if this guys heart is into this season at all. Ryan Clark has always been one of my favorite Steelers, but this season, I must say he really has me shaking my head. I welcome anyone to go back and look at the long run Sunday by McFadden and watch Clark on that play. I just never would have expected him to go out this way, I’m baffled.

  • westcoasteeler

    Wouldn’t surprise me if we pull this one out…just to prove our massive inconsistency

  • RMSteeler

    Not having seen this press conference, I can’t be sure if the tone was sarcastic. Just looking at the text with out any other context, this is one of the oddest pressers I have read with the exception of Rex Ryan. Tomlin seems unfocused and puts some blame on the reporters? Really? I think with few exceptions, the Steelers have enough quality players (except punter) to win most games. I’m putting it back on you and your coaches. The Steelers were poorly prepared for the Raiders game. The Rooneys need to build a doghouse hotel for the coaches.

  • http://www.nyob.com/ Dr. Doom

    He is pissed how would you feel if you were him?

  • http://www.nyob.com/ Dr. Doom

    He was one of my favorite Steelers, this year he is constantly out of place. Larry Foote said it without saying he did not do his job on that play.

  • Bob

    He’s got it right in thinking we’re up against New York Football Giants. Dukein’ it out for draft position baby!

  • Dan

    Yes….if for no other reason than that…

  • Josh Knepshield

    The Steelers will beat the Patriots. In 2010, when we last played the Patriots, our starting secondary was exactly the same as it is now. Clark, Polamalu, Ike, and Gay. What happened? We shut them down. We also have a new safety that is playing well in Shamarko, who has been getting good grades from pro football focus when given the chance. Cortez Allen has also grown since that game, and since the Viking game, has played well. Gay has been playing well this season as well. We will hold them to 20 points or under, unless there is a kickoff or int return for TD, which is a whole different story. Steelers 23 Patriots 20. Then we beat the Bills + 2 wins against the QB-less browns+a win against the Dolphins+a fg win against the Ravens+a big win over the lions+a HUGE win over the Bengals. Loss to the Packers=10-6 and in the Playoffs. The season is not over.

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